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Paul1

I Don't Know Who I'm Married To!

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I have been married for almost 11 years and have 3 kids. Throughout my marriage I have found out several times that my wife has either not told me the whole truth or has lied, especially about her past. For the last 1.5 years I have discovered that it is a bigger problem then I thought. She is a chronic liar and lies about anything and everything whether there is a benefit from it or not. There has even been times when the lies are about me. For example like the time I moved out and left her and the kids and she did not know how she was going to tell the kids that their dad moved out. She had all her friends praying for her and stuff and meanwhile, I am right at home and never moved out. The lies also involve stories that she makes up about the kids of moments when she is proud of them. There was even a time when she made up a story to a friend of hers about being in the hospital and had people from her online Bible study praying for her. Throughout our marriage she has made her parents and siblings out to be horrible people which she never told me about until after we were married. However, I am starting to see the bigger picture and believe that her parents are not horrible people and that the stories of abuse and everything growing up are all lies. I know nothing about my wife's childhood since I cannot believe anything she says or has said about her life. I cannot trust her nor will I ever trust her again due to knowing that she will always lie. I am a Christian and am really struggling because I all I can think about is getting a divorce. I have been contemplating getting a divorce everyday for the last 1.5 years. I do not believe in divorce and take my vowels seriously; however, I can never trust her. I believe marriage needs to be built on trust. The only reason why I have stayed this long is for my kids; especially since they are really young. I just needed to say this since I have no one who understands where I am coming from.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. :( I'm engaged, and I would be very hurt to find out that my fiance is not who I thought he was. I've dated in the past, what I would consider a narcissist, someone who lies a lot, and is pathological in it. It sounds like this could be your wife. People who lie like this, they don't self reflect, so they are reluctant to change their ways, for they see the problem existing outside of themselves. I'm not advocating divorce, but not sure how much longer you can go on living with someone who isn't ever truthful. Praying for you, I hope that you find peace, if nothing else.

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It sounds like the wife needs counseling and is otherwise desperate for attention.

 

Ignore her lies and don't place much weight on anything she says. Don't call her a liar, as that will accomplish nothing. If you can't get her into counseling, just let her work things out on her own.

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The word narcissist came to my mind too. Wow, that would be very hard to deal with. Have you confronted her with her lies? Does she react apologetically or aggressively? Does she defend her lies or admit to being caught?

 

Just my opinion, but when you are raising young children, everything seems to change between you and your spouse. There are other personalities and lives in the mix, and suddenly it is not just about the two of you relating, but the family relating as a team. When one person is really straightforward, logical, and emotionally controlled, it can be harder to suddenly see another person's weaknesses in comparison to what the other wants to teach and model to their children.

 

I haven't passed through the young child phase so I'm not sure yet how it all works out. But I have a feeling the relationship dynamics will change once again after the children get older. I would give it time, many people get divorced right when they have young kids and start seeing their spouse differently. I would wait. Realize that life changes, nothing stays the same. Views change. See it as a journey you are both on together, and you are currently at a rough patch. See what you can do to visualize how you would get past this rough patch together, and what it would ideally be like on the other side. Then see if you can implement whatever that would be.

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I hope it isn't more of a sociopathical thing. It gets to the point that there is no trust, and then you wonder why you are even married. Question: why did you get married in the first place? Hotness or good sex before marriage (oops)? That is rhetorical for yourself. There must have been a sign or two that she had issues. If there was and you still jumped in, you owe it to GOD to try everything you can. I believe i did. We got along when we were going to church together, but it went downhill after she stopped going. Exhaust every possible avenue before contemplating divorce, like separation, but please do all you can before such a move. If there is forgiveness in your situation, there is great hope. I know you want the near perfect marriage, and GOD can heal it if it so warrants. That means effort. I contemplated for 15 years. Yours is one tenth that. I know you can't ignore the b.s., nor will she work things out on her own. Its gonna take patience, prayer, fasting, love, and forgiveness. And GOD.

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Can you get her some form of counselling? It is not healthy for a child to grow up with a parent who lies compulsively like this, and you don't know what she may be telling the children about you. It does sound very much like a mental issue, since the lies she is telling are ones that can be disproved so very easily. If you can document it, with third party witnesses who can confirm she said it and proof that it was a lie, please get her to a counsellor or doctor.

 

She may be lying deliberately just for attention, but there are certain conditions that can cause this that come up in adult life and it is as well to make sure she isn't suffering from one before taking further action.

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I am really sorry that you are going through this situation. It must be the very depressed situation. I can pray for you that God bless you with happiness. I have many women like this. They only need attention and they create problems in their life too. It is better that you take her to some psychiatrist to get her some therapy. This seems to be a medical condition with her mind.

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Can you get her some form of counselling? It is not healthy for a child to grow up with a parent who lies compulsively like this, and you don't know what she may be telling the children about you. It does sound very much like a mental issue, since the lies she is telling are ones that can be disproved so very easily. If you can document it, with third party witnesses who can confirm she said it and proof that it was a lie, please get her to a counsellor or doctor.

 

I totally agree. It's bad enough that @Paul1 is going through this. Imagine how a kid will cope (or try to) with this. I'm guessing yours are very young, since you've been married for 11 years. This can cause severe trauma and mental illness in their adult years. You all need help and counselling asap. She as a liar and you and your kids on how to cope with her and help her.

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Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions. I know it's been a while since I posted this. Pretty much nothing has changed on the matter since I posted. She has seen a counselor on and off. Recently the lies have escalated almost to the point of being about abuse. About 3 weeks ago my wife was standing next to one of my boys while he was on the floor. He stepped up really quick and accidently head butted her right between the eyes. She ended up having bruises right between her eyes. The incident occurred while I was at work. She ended up telling some people in our church that I accidently pushed her during a fight which caused her to head butt my son. Now I don't know what to do because it puts me in a horrible situation. I can't really say anything because it would be my word against hers. Also it's hard for me to continue to go to the church with the rumors being spread.

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The issue seems to be much more serious than i anticipated, i think a counselor can't much in her case, i would advise you to take her to a psychiatrist as Lucian mentioned.

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Your wife seems to be a habitual lier. You need to take her to a psychiatrist.As long as she loves you, cares about you, committed to you, never think about leaving her. Your wife needs medical attention, she is sick.

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Hi, Paul, I am sorry for you! The first thing you must do is to talk to her and make her admit she has a problem. It is very difficult to resolve this because you have kids and they will suffer the most. I don't think that a divorce is a right solution, your kids will suffer and may be affected in ways that you will never know. My advice is for you to wait, maybe you have the chance to make her take a psychological treatment or wait for your kids to grow up and be able to understand the situation!

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I am sorry you are going through all this. Now, are you divorced? In such cases, divorce is not a solution. You need to handle such cases patiently. If you still want to go for a divorce then you can check for the lawyer who will help you out. If you need any help regarding a lawyer, you can check [MODERATION REMOVED LINK]. I pray that everything works well for you.

 

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I am sorry you are going through all this. Now, are you divorced? In such cases, divorce is not a solution. You need to handle such cases patiently. If you still want to go for a divorce then you can check for the lawyer who will help you out. If you need any help regarding a lawyer, you can check [MODERATION REMOVED LINK]. I pray that everything works well for you.

 

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This is a pretty old post. I haven't seen these people post. Check the date when you post for being current information. God bless and welcome to the forum.

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I am sorry you are going through all this. Now, are you divorced? In such cases, divorce is not a solution. You need to handle such cases patiently. If you still want to go for a divorce then you can check for the lawyer who will help you out. If you need any help regarding a lawyer, you can check [MODERATION REMOVED LINK]. I pray that everything works well for you.

 

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@justme -- now that you mention it -- I looked at the dates of the original post -- about 2 yrs. ago. He was new to the forum two years ago. Wonder how the situation worked out. She definitely had a problem. A niece of mine developed some bi-polar problems after her 6th baby was born. Well -- she had married a nephew of mine. She was very intelligent but wouldn't stay on her meds. it destroyed the marriage.

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