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Babylon Bee


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Everything posted by Babylon Bee

  1. MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—According to reports, former President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have purchased a $15 million dollar home sitting atop 29 acres of land on Martha’s Vineyard, where they look forward to spreading their wealth around. The post Obamas Promise To Spread Their Wealth Around New $15 Million Estate appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  2. U.S.—Americans held their collective breath when they saw the headline “Amazon on Fire,” as they knew this would have dire, worldwide consequences. They felt a huge relief, though, when they found out that the Amazon being referred to was merely the South American rainforest and not the internet retail giant. The post Americans Relieved To Find Out The Amazon That's Burning Is Just The Rainforest appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  3. PEACEVILLE, AR—Reverend Karen Wokestein wanted her church services at Peaceville United Methodist to be affirming of people of all races, genders, orientations, faiths, and sins. So, she got an idea after watching some footage of a recent Democratic Socialists of America event: she would allow church members to interrupt the proceedings at any time with their point of personal privilege. The post Progressive Church Allows Anyone To Interrupt Sermon With A Point Of Personal Privilege appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  4. SEATTLE, WA—Amazon has opened its new Predestination Prime for signups, a handy new subscription service that sends you the things you were predestined to order from eternity past. The post Amazon’s New Predestination Prime Service Just Sends You Stuff You Were Going To Order Anyway appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  5. SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a move to make sure criminals are treated fairly, San Francisco has instituted a policy of referring to "convicted felons" by the much more politically correct term "elected officials." The post San Francisco Changes Term 'Convicted Felons' To More Politically Correct 'Elected Officials' appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  6. BRONSONVILLE, IL—Aspiring entrepreneur Christopher Jenkins recently graduated from Harvard at the top of his class. He is fit, friendly, inviting, and has a good grasp of the English language. He has good hygiene and a knack for problem-solving. He is 99% perfect. The post Man’s Attempt At Appearing Professional Ruined By Man Bun appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  7. WORLD—Reality has come under fire for not more clearly distinguishing itself from satire. The post Reality Criticized For Not More Clearly Distinguishing Itself From Satire appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  8. U.S.—A new study surveyed everyone on planet earth and found that of all the 7.7 billion people on the planet, you are definitely the most oppressed one. The post Study Confirms You Are Most Oppressed Person On Planet appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  9. WASHINGTON, D.C.—After President Trump touted himself as the "King of Israel" and the "second coming of God," he was feeling pretty good about himself, now pretty much being confirmed as the rightful president of both America and Israel. The post Horrified Trump Learns What Happened To Last Guy Who Called Himself King Of The Jews appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  10. U.S.—As a recession seems to be looming in the nation, financial advice experts are recommending Americans prepare for the worst. The post Financial Experts Recommend Breaking Into Your Neighbors' Houses And Smashing All Their Pots To See If They Have Any Rupees appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  11. SAD HILL, NM—Sources close to local father Gary Henderson confirmed that the electrical engineer and father of three is able to whip out his multi-tool like a hardened gunslinger reaching for his trusty six-shooter anytime a member of his family needs something cut. The post Dad Whips Out Multitool Faster Than Old West Gunslinger Whenever Anyone Needs Something Cut appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  12. TEL AVIV—Representatives Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib were denied entry into Israel, but that wasn’t going to stop these two clever women from visiting the country they hate so much. So they hatched a plan, and it almost worked. The post Tlaib And Omar Try To Sneak Into Israel Stacked On Top Of Each Other Inside A Trenchcoat appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  13. WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference Wednesday, President Trump announced he was born of a virgin and is the chosen one who will bring balance to the Force. The post Trump Announces He Was Born Of A Virgin And Will Bring Balance To The Force appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  14. WASHINGTON, D.C.—Republicans are often calling Trump's loyalty to their party values into question, claiming Trump seems to have become a Republican out of convenience after being a Democrat for many years. The post Trump's Loyalty To Republican Values Questioned After He Actually Does Something To Defund Planned Parenthood appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  15. U.S.—A troubling new survey released by The Babylon Bee confirmed Wednesday that too many people think Snopes is a real fact-checking website. The post Concerning Survey Finds Too Many People Believe Snopes Is A Legitimate Fact-Checking Website appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  16. CHAGRIN FALLS, OH—Local Christian Paul Hoskins announced Wednesday he will start a new diet that directly corresponds to his pattern of Bible reading: he plans to eat one meal per week. The post Christian Man Goes On One-Meal-Per-Week Diet To Reflect Bible-Reading Habits appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  17. U.S.—As Sony seems to have taken back the rights to produce Spider-Man films, ending Tom Holland's run as the heroic web-slinger, the movie studio promised it would be giving every single person on the planet the chance to play Spider-Man at some point in the future. The post Sony Vows To Give Every Person In Nation Chance To Play Spider-Man appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  18. HOLLYWOOD, CA—More and more movies have been utilizing CGI animals rather than going to the trouble and inherent risk of using real-life animal actors. CGI technology was revolutionized with films like Life of Pi, taking animated computer graphics to a new level of realism. Now movies with entire animal casts, such as Disney's Jungle Book and The Lion King, are cast entirely by animals that only exist in the imagination of the filmmakers. The post Enraged At Being Replaced By CGI, Animal Actors Descend On Hollywood To Maul Entire City appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  19. HARVARD, IL—With the crisp days of autumn approaching quickly, apple orchards are preparing themselves for the onslaught of families ready to fill their baskets with ripe fruit. Apple picking has become more than just a growing trend, and scientists warn that this year’s influx of visitors is expected to reach dangerous levels. The post Nation's Apple Orchards Brace For Horde Of White People appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  20. U.S.—All comedians bomb from time to time. Whether they're stand-up comics, comedic actors, or humorists writing for satire sites, part of the gig is accepting that your jokes won't always land. The post Prerecorded Laugh Track Still Doesn't Laugh At Amy Schumer Special appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  21. PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa. The post Portland Police: 'We Wish There Were Some Kind Of Organized, Armed Force That Could Fight Back Against Antifa' appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  22. U.S.—As Snopes turns up the heat on The Babylon Bee, its writers were finally forced to admit that they are not real journalists. The post Under Mounting Pressure From Snopes, Babylon Bee Writers Forced To Admit They Are Not Real Journalists appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  23. SANDUSKY, CO—Steve and Leslie Hendrickson were having movie night last week but the experience was diminished by Leslie's constant question-asking, reports Steve. The post Wife Unaware That Movie Will Answer All Her Questions If She Just Pays Attention appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  24. ISRAEL—There was a certain man who had two sons, and the younger son demanded his inheritance and then wasted it all in a distant country. When the son came crawling back, begging for forgiveness, the father made a huge celebration to mark the return of his prodigal son. The post Prodigal Son Kicked Back Out After Old Tweets Surface appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  25. HONG KONG—As soon as Bernie Sanders heard about the democratic protesters in Hong Kong, he knew something had to be done. The U.S. senator quickly chartered a flight to Hong Kong in order to throw himself into the fray. The post Bernie Sanders Arrives In Hong Kong To Lecture Protesters On How Good They Have It Under Communism appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
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