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  1. The post 'Abortion Is Healthcare,' Says Woman Who Apparently Thinks 'Healthcare' Means Tearing A Human Being Limb From Limb appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  2. U.S.—While Republicans generally support any war in the general direction of the Middle East, they've had a sudden change of heart when it comes to Iran. The post Republicans Drop Support For Attacking Iran After Learning Unborn Babies Would Be Killed appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  3. NEW YORK, NY—Producers at NBC have seized on an opportunity after noticing a dearth of late-night programming that makes fun of conservatives. To capitalize on this void, NBC is launching The Really Late, Really Left Show, a brand-new late night talk show that will boldly poke fun at conservative ideas exclusively every night at 2:35 am. The post Groundbreaking New Late Show To Exclusively Make Fun Of Conservatives appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  4. BURBANK, CA—A new report from sources at Warner Bros. Studios confirmed Friday that Christian actor Kirk Cameron is in talks to play the iconic role of Batman. The post Report: Kirk Cameron In Talks To Play Batman appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  5. U.S.—The nation took a break from cheering on the murder of babies to mourn the death of a cat, sources confirmed Friday. The post Nation Takes Break From Killing Babies To Mourn Death Of Cat appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  6. U.S.—According to sources all across the country, a caravan of unborn babies has formed to head toward Alabama in an attempt to avoid the rest of the country's barbaric abortion laws. The post Caravan Of Unborn Babies Heads Toward Alabama To Apply For Asylum appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  7. U.S.—Well, this sucks. The freakishly cheery guy who is walking into church 50 yards ahead of you is holding the door, and now you've got to sprint or else he'll just be standing there for a really awkward 30 seconds and you've got to try to avoid eye contact and not make it weird. So now you've got to do this awkward shuffle-run thing to make it not really look like you're hurrying while you dash toward the door to minimize the awkwardness. "Why couldn't this guy have just gone in and pretended not to see me in the reflection on the glass doors?" you wonder as you try to smile at him and give a little polite wave while you run like a doofus toward the building just because this yahoo thought it would be helpful to make you sprint so as not to have to open the door. "What is this guy's problem, anyway?" you think to yourself as he just stands there holding the door as though he didn't just create an awkward social situation that you'll think about when you try to go to sleep tonight. At publishing time, you held the door for an elderly woman making her way toward the building and had to stand there for an excruciating 55 seconds. The post Ah, Crap: The Guy Walking Into Church Ahead Of You Is Holding The Door Even Though You're Still 50 Yards Away And Now You Have To Run appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  8. WINDWOOD, AL—Local woman Lora Atkins said Thursday that she wouldn't personally shoot anyone in the face but supports a murderer's right to choose homicide. The post Local Woman Wouldn't Personally Shoot Anyone In The Face But Supports A Murderer's Right To Choose appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  9. TUSCALOOSA, AL—Seven-year-old Gloria Hutchins was taken aside by her mother today and informed that thanks to new abortion laws, she may never enjoy the opportunity to kill her offspring. The two shared tears as Hutchin's mother, Heather, explained how, back in the good old days, if she decided she wanted to have sex without any discrepancy or thought, that was totally fine because she could always just end the life she had created. The post Alabama Girl Crushed As Mother Explains She May Never Have Opportunity To Kill Offspring appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  10. FAIRFAX, VA—Local woman Jenny Parsons was leaving a meeting, minding her own business, at the office building where she works Thursday. She thought she was just filing out like all the other employees. The post 'This Is Exactly Like The Handmaid's Tale,' Declares Local Woman After Man Opens Door For Her appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  11. Talk about a close call: this baby was almost born into poverty, but his mother killed him just before the cutoff for abortion in their state. With literally just a few days to spare, she ended his life, saving him from living a life that isn't always perfect. The post Close One: This Baby Was Almost Born Into Poverty But His Mother Killed Him In The Nick Of Time appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  12. DALLAS, TX—Local man Eric Spolar attempted to voice his opinion on abortion to a coworker Thursday. The post Man Identifies As Woman Just Long Enough To Voice Valid Opinion On Abortion appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  13. The post Bunch Of Backward Hicks In Alabama Among First To Ban Most Barbaric Practice Known To Man appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  14. ARLINGTON, VA—In a controversial new episode of educational cartoon Arthur, PBS showed the eponymous character's teacher, Mr. Ratburn, coming out as a conservative Christian. The post In Controversial Episode, Arthur's Teacher Comes Out As Conservative Christian appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
  15. RIO RANCHO, NM—Local believing high school kid Bryan Carpenter, 17, announced Wednesday he's saving his first side hug for his wedding day, sources close to the homeschooled teen announced. The post Christian Teen Commits To No Sidehugs Before Marriage appeared first on The Babylon Bee. View the original full article
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