Jump to content

The Christian Protestant Community Forums

Sincerely inquiring about the Protestant faith? Welcome to Christforums the Christian Protestant community forums. You'll first need to register in order to join our community. Create or respond to threads on your favorite topics and subjects. Registration takes less than a minute, it's simple, fast, and free! Enjoy the fellowship! God bless, Christforums' Staff
Register now

Community Fellowship

John Calvin puts forward a very simple reason why love is the greatest gift: “Because faith and hope are our own: love is diffused among others.” In other words, faith and hope benefit the possessor, but love always benefits another. In John 13:34–35 Jesus says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Love always requires an “other” as an object; love cannot remain within itself, and that is part of what makes love the greatest gift.
Sign in to follow this  
fairystar

Searching for answers

Recommended Posts

I want to have some advice,my bf and me have known each other since we were in high school we are both 35 now,let me give you some information on my bf,his name is Gary,he has basically been on his own all his life,so he doesn't know any different,I know I can't change him,no one can change anyone,I am in search for some advice,Gary says he loves me and wants to be with me,he picks a date to come and see me,when the time comes he doesn't come to my house to see me,I want to know why he doesn't want to be with me,I pray to god for Gary to want to be with me,please give me some advice,thank you in advance

Share this post


Link to post

You've known each other a Long time. Has the relationship become a comfortable habit? What does he base his love for you On? What does love mean to You? Do you have a physical relationship?

 

What has his response been when you ask him why he doesn't come over when he's made a date for a certain time?

 

Is Gary the only guy you've dated?

 

It's a good thing that you realize that you can't change him, yourself.

 

I was in Biblical counseling for a while myself. My counselor suggested that I read through some New Testament books -- Galations, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians. He also had me going through a book called The Search For Significance by Robert McGee.

 

It's also important that you realize that he's been on his own most of his life.

 

You're both in your mid-30's -- do you both work? What are his occupational goals?

 

Are you both believers? Is there a church you go to that teaches Bible?

 

Are you personally a born-again believer?

 

Lots of questions -- hopefully you'll be able to respond -- and hopefully you can talk with Gary about these things. And, most important -- talk to God about these things.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

To answer your questions Sue I really don't know I have dated other guys before I was with Gary,but I do know that I am the only girl that Gary has been with,he basically dosen't know how to treat me,his mother died when he was 8 years old,his dad had women come and go in and out of his life when Gary was just a little kid.

Share this post


Link to post
You've known each other a Long time. Has the relationship become a comfortable habit? What does he base his love for you On? What does love mean to You? Do you have a physical relationship?

 

What has his response been when you ask him why he doesn't come over when he's made a date for a certain time?

 

Is Gary the only guy you've dated?

 

It's a good thing that you realize that you can't change him, yourself.

 

I was in Biblical counseling for a while myself. My counselor suggested that I read through some New Testament books -- Galations, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians. He also had me going through a book called The Search For Significance by Robert McGee.

 

It's also important that you realize that he's been on his own most of his life.

 

You're both in your mid-30's -- do you both work? What are his occupational goals?

 

Are you both believers? Is there a church you go to that teaches Bible?

 

Are you personally a born-again believer?

 

Lots of questions -- hopefully you'll be able to respond -- and hopefully you can talk with Gary about these things. And, most important -- talk to God about these things.

 

Gary has a step-mother that has basically raised him since he was a little kid,he calls his step-mom his mom

Share this post


Link to post

William has given you excellent Godly advice.

 

I have to wonder if you have ever repented of your sins, and really "Followed" Jesus Christ. By your involvement with Gary it would seem not. Perhaps its time to make some serious choices, and at 35 life if passing by, your may well have lived half of your life by now.

 

In relationships like yours with Gary there is always much more than what is stated on the surface of your posts. There is a reason Gary does not want to get married, and I believe if you search inside yourself you most likely know why. Gary is a grown man and what ever happened when he was a child, he has learned he would rather have a surface relationship rather that commit to a lifetime marriage covenant commitment. Some men like recreational sexual relationships, and some women do too.

 

 

Here is the real issue; what do you really want? Are you really wanting to Follow Jesus Christ or live in sin without God? I an being blunt, but its time for you to make a choice that will effect the rest of your life. You are in the "Y" of the road of your life, which way do you want to go? Are you tired of living the way your are, knowing that Gary will never marry you?

 

The Love of Jesus Christ is eternal, everlasting, what you have now is just moment by moment and will eventually let you down and deeply wounded.

 

I pray you make the choice that gives you real love and security. God be with you fairystar.

 

 

justme

Share this post


Link to post

 

Fairystar,

 

This is a Christian board, so you have to expect a Christian answer. First of all sex before or outside the framework of marriage is a grave sin. Sex is only to be enjoyed in the framework of marriage. There are rational reasons for this as God intended. Most Christians do not date, but they court with the intention of becoming married. Establishing such a close bond as you have done creates an unhealthy emotional attachment. As you can see, the person you have invested much time with can simply walk away. That attachment which you're experiencing has no guarantee or vow of a marriage covenant. Should you enter into courtship with another person, you should keep in mind that if within a year (approximately) you decide that this person is not the one you are going to marry then you should break it off.

 

If you want my advice, break off the relationship. The amount of years you have both been dating and living in sin is ridiculous. You have set yourself up to be devastated emotionally. I suggest you turn to God from your sins, and work on your relationship with Him. Join a church if you do not already belong to one and become active in singles groups etc. This will help you cope with your heart brokenness, and it will fill your life with believers which you can lean on for emotional support. Not to mention, that special someone may be waiting for you that actually takes upon himself the role that God intended seriously - spiritual leader.

 

Here are some articles I think will help you understand the Christian worldview:

  1. https://www.gotquestions.org/godly-husband.html
  2. https://www.gotquestions.org/marriage-Bible.html
  3. https://www.gotquestions.org/date-marry-unbeliever.html
  4. https://www.gotquestions.org/sexual-immorality.html
  5. https://www.gotquestions.org/fornication-adultery.html

God bless,

William

 

 

 

Realizing that this post is meant for '"Fairystar" -- I'd like to comment for a moment.

 

There is a mindset with some that courtship is The way for singles to get to know each other. They frown on 'dating'. However, sometimes courtship isn't practical or possible. "Dating" is what the guy and gal make it to be. And some of it depends on the culture a person grows up in.

 

I was never is a courtship setting. Young people dated and after a while -- if they feel led to - they get engaged and get married.

 

People who move away from family with a job or college and then meet someone probably Won't be around family in order To court the guy or gal.

 

It IS best to be in a group setting getting to know other young people / adults. Some churches have singles / career classes. They will have social times so people can get to know each other in a positive environment.

 

Before breaking up with Gary -- have him read these posts -- threads of conversation we've been having. Get his thoughts.

 

And I probably wouldn't set a time limit on a relationship. You and Gary have known each other a long time. We're assuming that there has probably been a sexual element involved. If that Is the case, then he might not be in any hurry to get married, cause you've been giving him everything he really Wants -- the sexual component.

 

Another comment -- what is 'love' -- Biblical love. Hopefully you have access to a Bible -- NKJV -- in the New Testament the book of 1 Corinthians 13 :4 - 7 vs 4 starts out "love is patient,,,,,,,,,,"

 

A close bond can develop between people when they aren't even looking for it. It just happens. Sometimes it's a good bonding and sometimes Not. When a person realizes that it's not healthy bonding, then it's time to let the person know that they need to be away from each other.

 

The most important relationship a person will ever have is with God through Jesus Christ. A person needs to have Jesus Christ as their personal Savior.

 

Find a pastor's wife to talk to in person. And talk with us here, also. And, as you get to know more people, you'll know if it's healthy or not and if it can be pursued or needs to discontinue.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
@fairystar -- how are things with you and Gary going? Have you been able to share these thoughts with him? I've been concerned.

 

No I have not,Gary is I guess you could say a very private person he doesn't really talk to me

Share this post


Link to post

 

No I have not,Gary is I guess you could say a very private person he doesn't really talk to me

 

 

Then how on earth do you Have a relationship with him?

Share this post


Link to post
when the time comes he doesn't come to my house to see me,I want to know why he doesn't want to be with me,I pray to god for Gary to want to be with me,please give me some advice,thank you in advance

 

Actions speak louder than words. He is not interested in being with you. Perhaps it is your house, or your breath. If you can't get an answer then you need to move on.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

 

Actions speak louder than words. He is not interested in being with you. Perhaps it is your house, or your breath. If you can't get an answer then you need to move on.

 

 

Kind of a brash statement to suggest it might be her house or breath. I think kindness and respect are better ways to address this lady.

 

I also suggest you real as many of the posts that were before your post.

 

As stated has been off for a good length while. Many addressed her and gave her Biblical advice, which is what the Christforum is really about.

Share this post


Link to post

 

You can check a member's profile and find out the last time he was active on the forum. Fairystar's last activity was the 15th of this month.

 

 

 

My thought had been that Maybe on her computer, her gmail will tell her that she has a message from the forum that she will see and respond to.

Share this post


Link to post

Both 'fairystar' and her boyfriend are disabled with sld. I'd 'Googled' that -- slow learning disability. It came across in some of her posts. Her last post was about the wedding and the light that appeared. I'd shared that it couldn't have been her brother's spirit being there with them. Apparently she didn't like my response -- but I'd shared as much as I could with her spiritually.

 

Under normal circumstances 'The Librarians' response would have been appropriate, but "fairystar" was not a normal circumstance.

 

People come in and out of our lives frequently -- we share what we can and as lovingly as we can.

Share this post


Link to post

 

Kind of a brash statement to suggest it might be her house or breath. I think kindness and respect are better ways to address this lady.

 

I also suggest you real as many of the posts that were before your post.

 

As stated has been off for a good length while. Many addressed her and gave her Biblical advice, which is what the Christforum is really about.

 

I have no argument against kindness. None at all. But if people regularly don't show up for a date, it's the end of the relationship. That's not a kind person

you are imaging being .....er....not being with. Time to move on. Reading the post above about sld. My daughter is ld. My advice is to NOT be with

someone with similar problems. One exception is two young people who met during chemotherapy and moved in together. Two bald heads

are better than one, if you're facing death in the face.

Share this post


Link to post

 

I have no argument against kindness. None at all. But if people regularly don't show up for a date, it's the end of the relationship. That's not a kind person

you are imaging being .....er....not being with. Time to move on. Reading the post above about sld. My daughter is ld. My advice is to NOT be with

someone with similar problems. One exception is two young people who met during chemotherapy and moved in together. Two bald heads

are better than one, if you're facing death in the face.

 

 

 

Well -- a person with sld would probably not be in the position to make that decision by herself. She's in her 30's chronologically, but emotionally - probably not. She 'loves' Gary as much as she knows what 'love' Is. She wants what she wants -- a relationship that isn't really there. But She doesn't realize that. And other people around her might not be in any position to help guide her. She approached the forum -- Christ forums Hoping for some 'Godly' advise because it Is Christ- centered. But she didn't seem to be mentally/ emotionally able to handle what was being shared with her.

Share this post


Link to post

 

I have no argument against kindness. None at all. But if people regularly don't show up for a date, it's the end of the relationship. That's not a kind person

you are imaging being .....er....not being with. Time to move on. Reading the post above about sld. My daughter is ld. My advice is to NOT be with

someone with similar problems. One exception is two young people who met during chemotherapy and moved in together. Two bald heads

are better than one, if you're facing death in the face.

 

Never do I agree with a couple living together. That's too "liberal" for me, and that not what Scripture teaches..

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

@justme -- agree -- a couple moving in together for the sake of emotional support while going through chemo -- unless they get married -- it's not Scriptural. Going through chemo Does mean a person has some degree of cancer in their body. But it is Not an automatic death sentence to be diagnosed with cancer. There are Lots of cancer survivors. And loosing all your hair is Not a horrible thing -- there are Lots of people who wear caps / scarves, etc. and some simply don't hide their baldness.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

 

Never do I agree with a couple living together. That's too "liberal" for me, and that not what Scripture teaches..

 

If you're stating that scripture calls for a civil or a church wedding, please cite your source.

I feel all couples should live together.

Share this post


Link to post
Well -- a person with sld would probably not be in the position to make that decision by herself. She's in her 30's chronologically, but emotionally - probably not. She 'loves' Gary as much as she knows what 'love' Is. She wants what she wants -- a relationship that isn't really there. But She doesn't realize that. And other people around her might not be in any position to help guide her. She approached the forum -- Christ forums Hoping for some 'Godly' advise because it Is Christ- centered. But she didn't seem to be mentally/ emotionally able to handle what was being shared with her.

 

My daughter would be in a mess if her spouse had a similar disability. I recommend against it. One of her two kids has a non-related LD and it's a tough road for her not being able to read a clock. (An example)

 

Share this post


Link to post

 

If you're stating that scripture calls for a civil or a church wedding, please cite your source.

I feel all couples should live together.

 

 

 

Scripture Does have God performing the first marriage between Adam and Eve. And sex is Scriptural Only when people / a man and a woman / are married.

 

Qualifications for pastors / overseers is to be the husband of only one wife. A man becomes a husband and a woman becomes a wife upon marriage. And fornication is sex outside of marriage / adultery is sex with someone other than your spouse.

 

And in Ephesians the husbands are told to love their wives.

 

In Genesis a man and woman shall leave their parents and cleave to each other. Become 'one flesh'. Is that where you get the concept of 'living together'? Married couples usually Do 'live together' -- unless they are in the military and Can't be together.

 

And, yes, in todays' Society, lots of men and women Do simply 'live together' without benefit of a marriage ceremony.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

 

If you're stating that scripture calls for a civil or a church wedding, please cite your source.

I feel all couples should live together.

 

I have to ask, are you saying that its ok for Christians to just live together without it being made official by a Minister or civil authority?

Share this post


Link to post

 

My daughter would be in a mess if her spouse had a similar disability. I recommend against it. One of her two kids has a non-related LD and it's a tough road for her not being able to read a clock. (An example)

 

 

 

I totally agree -- but she's also not on forum any longer. At least she hasn't been responding to posts for a while. I was simply sharing that which She had previously shared.

 

There was a half-way home in the community I live in for people who weren't bad enough to be institutionalized but not really able to be on their own. But they were allowed to roam around town and each others' rooms. One of the women and men were borderline, but adults and wanted to be together outside of the facility. They had to meet certain criteria in order to do that. And they Did, but just barely. They were at our small church for a while and we gave them a food shower as they were getting settled in to their lives together. They didn't really have the concept of what a food shower meant. They simply knew they were given all this food and started enjoying eating all of it. No concept of meal planning , grocery shopping. Don't know what happened to them. We started going to another church in a close-by town.

 

It's not really a matter of recommending that situation or not. Mentally disabilities are a very different situation than physical ones. That's why I'd asked her to clarify. Lots of people have physical disabilities and do just fine. Employed, have families, do wonderfully.

 

And people with Down's Syndrome can do fairly well, also.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

 

I have to ask, are you saying that its ok for Christians to just live together without it being made official by a Minister or civil authority?

 

You make living together sound easy. It takes a lot of commitment to live with someone

and no outside authority can smooth the process.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...