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John Calvin puts forward a very simple reason why love is the greatest gift: “Because faith and hope are our own: love is diffused among others.” In other words, faith and hope benefit the possessor, but love always benefits another. In John 13:34–35 Jesus says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Love always requires an “other” as an object; love cannot remain within itself, and that is part of what makes love the greatest gift.
Melinda 1976

Does God still love me? I feel like I am a numb soul with little hope.

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I'm new to the forum. I decided to put a post up to hopefully get some advice from other Christians. Recently I can't help but think that I'm just a bad Christian. I feel like I shouldn't even openly call myself a Christian. It's a disgrace to Jesus to say I'm a follower of his. I feel extremely unsure of where my life is headed right now. My life is a mess right now. I am a 42 year old heterosexual woman. I am divorced since April 2018. I have 14year old daughter. My ex husband business venture collapsed.We lost our home. The bank foreclosed on our house.All the while, he has done our finances and never really was open to my having access to them. I think it was a control issue at first and later he didn’t want me to know. My ex husband is unemployed since his company declared bankruptcy in December 2017.

For the past three months i am renting a house on a month to month lease. My landlord lives in the house next door. She is skinny really short like 5ft3 wrinkled face thin lips creepy green eyes grayhaired masculine 55year old woman. I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourglass shaped attractive brunette. I have very large breasts and i do have a big butt. I don’t intend to dress in any particular ‘way’ for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don’t ‘ask’ for anything. I don’t ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot. I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don’t wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks – something I have no control over. I can’t help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get.

My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was ‘too short’ or ‘too tight’, or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There’s always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When I go out in public guys start talking to me and subtly try to ask me out. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I’ve been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear – when really, it was a short, skinny old woman I should have feared.

About two months ago i arrived home home from work and my landlord was there on the driveway. I got out of my car and this woman my landlord walked up to me and said “Wow! Your breasts are sooo large! Can i touch them” AS she was already grabbing and squeezing them! I just said it looks like you are already touching them. In the moment, I found myself laughing it off. And this woman is really short, her head is exactly the level of my breasts. Since then this woman my landlord thinks she can just walk up and feel my boobs or grab my ass when ever she feels like it!! She routinely slaps or rubs my butt. She loves to squeeze or jiggle my breasts and tell me how soft and squishy they are. She thinks they are toys. Also she is always grabbing, slapping and rubbing my ass. .

Usually it happens on the driveway. This woman my landlord waits for me to come home from work on every work day. She never touches me in front of my daughter.She often hugs me around my waist and then proceeds to hump me (From behind usually but sometimes from the front)in a joking playful way. I usually just feel like a deer in headlights. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it.

But this woman my landlord REDUCED my rent by 50%. So I’m willing to sit/stand out the awkward groping and hugging and just think of something else while it’s happening. Should I feel ashamed of myself? I am a weak, spineless person. This friendly groper landlord says to me that because her face is at level with my breasts and I am rather large she finds touching, squeezing, rubbing, and patting them and resting her head on them comforting. She said that she finds great comfort doing this when she’s stressed. But it is all my fault. She thinks that my breasts are a readily-available source of comfort for her. She said that because i am much taller than her, the hugs make her feel very secure and cared for.

This creepy short skinny woman my landlord hasn’t pushed me into having sex so far. It’s just the obsessive groping me and touching me. If I just stand there, she would stay there for a long time just feeling my breasts and squishing them or whatever. Also she will just full on grab my butt. It is super annoying. I’m just standing there, and she’ll walk by me and take a swipe at my butt. This short skinny woman is always commenting that I am so tall, big and soft. She tells me often that she likes that I am always dressed up in satin and silk and that she likes touching my clothes. I feel deeply ashamed of myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a bad person. .

About a month ago i arrived from work and my landlord was standing on the driveway with her friend(this short like 5 ft 2 skinny freckled face green eyes thin lips red haired masculine woman in her early 50s). They walked up to me and this ginger woman my landlord’s friend complimented my boobs. Then my landlord said to her friend “Touch her boobs if you want, she wont mind!” Then this short skinny ugly ginger woman reached with her both hands and gave my breasts what I can only describe as a jiggle-squish. She commented on how soft they feel. I was speechless. Since then this ginger woman started touching and squeezing my breasts and slapping and rubbing my ass , in a joking/playful way on every encounter. These two gropers women my landlord and her friend seem harmless to me because I am physically stronger than them i am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.They are both short like 5ft2/5ft3 tall skinny.I am always on high heels they are always in flat shoes.Standing next to me they look like midgets.Also these two weird old women don’t look threatening. They are both creepy and ugly but they are tiny,short and skinny women in their 50s. But they are taking advantage of me, and i am afraid that they will just go even further. I am 100% straight. I’ve never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe. .

But this woman my landlord reduced my rent by 50% and I am so grateful I let her do anything she want.That is why i decided to try tolerating groping, rubbing, humping and hugging by her. It is pretty gruesome. She gets away with groping me all the time, simply because i let her. I just automatically want to do everything possible to keep conflict down with her and I always sacrifice my dignity for it. This woman my landlord makes a lot of comments about how tall,big and soft i am.It is weird and creepy.She is obsessed with my height.She often compliments me on my outfit commenting that i am extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy and that she likes touching my clothes.She often hugs me from behind placing her hands on my breasts.Also she always hugs me in full frontal hug pressing her face on my breasts.

I know other people my new neighbors probably laugh at me behind my back because of this situation with this woman groper landlord. One woman said to me that I make stupid faces while this woman groper is groping me and humping me. She also said that it is bizarre that standing next to the groper I look like a giant and I let her get by with it. I just laughed and replied to this woman that we (me and my landlord) just have a weird bond like that. Other people neighbors probably think that I am okay with it. Most of my new neighbors here think I’m stuck up overdressed snob because I tend to ignore them.Not because I don’t like them or think I’m better than them, but because I’m scared of them, or I think they don’t like me! To be completely honest, I’d rather them see me that way…stuck up. It makes me feel better when they think I’m stuck up. Alot of people ( females in general) pre-dislike me, unto they get to know me and find out that I’m a not stuck on myself at all.I’m the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class. When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it’s part of the ‘fake it til you make it’ mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I’ll wear red.Btw, that doesn’t mean I’m always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I’m feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it’s the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don’t feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

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You are ok with it. You are allowing it to go on, for %50  of the rent.  I would suggest you move is this activity what you want for your daughter? Move, get back in "touch" with the Lord. 

As @Fabersays 'He heals and forgives. '

Moving is expensive, the cost of  not moving is your self respect. Do you truly know she is not grooming your daughter?

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6 hours ago, Melinda 1976 said:

Recently I can't help but think that I'm just a bad Christian.

The important question is not whether you are a bad Christian but whether you are a Christian at all.  When you are attending a church or associating with others who are Christian it is possible to adopt the lifestyle of those around you and assume that you are saved.  If you are uncertain I recommend that you study this:   

CARM.ORG

Answering questions for seekers of the Christian Faith.

 

 

Regarding your landlord, I think you should follow Becky's advice.

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Got Lemons??? Make Lemonade. Go to the Police and tell your story, go to the local paper and tell your story. You are being sexually assaulted and your child is in danger. Make your story known and there will be good folks coming out of the woods and fields to gather you up and help. You have a good story to tell and in today's #MeToo attitude your story will find traction and who knows who else your story will embolden to also get out of a manipulative and horrendous situation.

 

And it is not a matter of "Does God "still" love me" God has always loved you, will always love you, the question is Do You Love God? . . . are you willing to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding? in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

 

The other question is, does God love your tormentor? Yes He Does. Perhaps it is time for you to make your witness known and proclaim His Truth and His Love to Her?

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8 hours ago, Becky said:

You are ok with it. You are allowing it to go on, for %50  of the rent.  I would suggest you move is this activity what you want for your daughter? Move, get back in "touch" with the Lord. 

As @Fabersays 'He heals and forgives. '

Moving is expensive, the cost of  not moving is your self respect. Do you truly know she is not grooming your daughter?

Becky i was really struggling to pay the rent without sacrificing things. You think I don't hate myself?  Paying less rent really takes  the pressure off. I currently find myself in an incredibly frustrating position. I have been relentlessly searching for houses in the area but they are all out of my price range. These two gropers short skinny old women my landlord and her ginger friend are  sexually harassing me i am letting them because i get cheaper rent. It is all my fault. I always laugh uncomfortably and try to be as dismissive of the situation as possible when these women  are groping me. 

This woman my "friendly" landlord gets away with groping me all the time, simply because i let her. Instead of outrage, i feel a strange, paralyzing shame. Instead of immediately and publicly denouncing her, i try to defuse the situation as quietly as possible, as if the guilt is my own. What is wrong with me? I am a straight woman, I love men, simple! I am straight and I am completely 100 percent straight. I have never been attracted to a woman sexually. I am STRICTLY hetero. 
.

I need light in my life but its not shining on me. Why do I not have the will power to not do things that offend God? I feel like I am spiritually dead. The damage has already been done and I'm a lost cause. I don't really know what to do now. I Love God so Much, Sometimes I can feel him there, holding my heart, God deserves better then me. .

 I would die for my daughter. No question about it. I might add that everyone who knows me knows that I am a gentle person who does not like to hurt anything or anyone. But I could kill if it meant saving my daughter.I feel my life has no purpose without my daughter, so if I was to ever decide who dies, her or me, I would not hesitate for a second to say me. 

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My words were not meant to be unkind simply direct 

Just now, Melinda 1976 said:

Becky i was really struggling to pay the rent without sacrificing things.

You have sacrificed much for that rent. You are being paid for what you allow . Get away before you totally loose it. So go out of the area.... 

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Your posts are a bit graphic which is causing me to question your motif.

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14 hours ago, Melinda 1976 said:

I have 14year old daughter.

That's enough for me. You see the signs of sexual harassment or assault and there's no reason to think that the person in question would refrain from doing the same to your daughter.

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These actions are prostitution. 

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16 minutes ago, Becky said:

Your posts are a bit graphic which is causing me to question your motif.

I find there are two choices.  If true, then she is allowing this to happen to herself and her child for the sake of money, rent.  If not, then she is just a liar.  In either case I find to no reason to accepted this person and if I could I would turn her into child welfare services.  I am not going to feel sorry for someone who does not put her child first.

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10 minutes ago, Becky said:

Your posts are a bit graphic which is causing me to question your motif.

Becky thanks for hearing me out! I need someone to talk to. I feel so lonely.I just want someone to talk to. I don't really know who. I barely have any friends .I just want someone to understand, hear me. I don't know where I'm going to find that. I don't know what to do my life is completely messed up.I am stuck.I understand that I'm being a wimp. 

.

My parents are both in their mid-60s and have recently retired.They live thousands of miles away.We Skype regularly but I am worried about their lack of financial planning for their old age. Since retiring, they have spoken openly about blowing all their savings before they get too old. They are taking round-the-world holidays and are always shopping for new things. When their savings have run out, they will live (relatively comfortably) on their monthly pensions.I don't have any brothers or sisters.I'm an "only child".I feel isolated from my family.I'm not close with my extended family.I have cousins I wouldn't recognize on the street if I saw them.I wish there was at least someone who could see what I am going through but I don't have the confidence to tell anyone.I came here on this forum with the hope that I would find someone to help me with advice.I wish I can find someone who can understand what I'm going through or maybe someone who's going through what I am so we can help each other. 

.

I am describing myself and these women only for people here to understand the complexity of the whole situation.

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Just now, Melinda 1976 said:

I am describing myself and these women only for people here to understand the complexity of the whole situation.

It's far less complicated than you are making it in your mind. Contact Social Services.

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I think you are posting to an open forum for the kicks ... I dont think i will allow for any more ... There are shelters for women if you are really seeking help. 

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Just some links which may be useful while you're accessing the web. Here's the national HHS.gov site:

 

WWW.HHS.GOV

Programs and services such as TANF, Head Start, child care, child support are designed to improve well-being of individuals, families, and communities.
Read more  

 

There's also a national hotline which can connect you locally to report sexual assault:

 

Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

 

God bless,

William

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